I like things to happen in an ideal way. Like, lets be win/win, no negatives, power through, no issues, come on lets go.
And life? Not so much.
When our son was first diagnosed with autism, I was like, “Yeah ok that’s fine. But I’m going to work so hard with him that he’s going to meet every milestone just like every other kid. It might take longer, but he’ll get there. I’ll push, I’ll pull, I’ll love, I’ll teach, whatever it takes. This kid is going to succeed.”
And all my kids will succeed. But …. maybe on a different success scale than what I thought. My pushing and pulling created so much friction and frustration and anger between me and my son. Frustration with me. Anger at him. It just made more pain.
So often we have problems or difficulties and instead of taking the time to look at them and learn about them, we just want to power through.
There’s this word out there called “acceptance.”
Some of us think “acceptance” is the same thing as giving up.
It’s not.
My brother helped me a lot when he said, “I just wish his (my son’s) challenges were visible - like if he was in a wheel chair it would be cruel if you expected him to run. But because the issues are in his mind, you are expecting him to do things he can’t do. Just imagine him - as if his brain is in a wheel chair.”
That is what I try to do. I try to accept that my son, who has autism, has a brain that really works differently than mine. And if I expect him to be like me, react like me, and think like me, it’s cruel - like demanding a person with one leg to do high jump or something.
At some point, we have to see things AS THEY ARE, and accept them. Denial will hurt you and the people around you.
“Resistance to what is” is another word for denial.
Sometimes we don’t like something and we think if we pretend it isn’t what it is, that will help us get to where we want to be.
Have a crappy marriage? Acceptance will give you a shot at change and growth.
Resistance (denial or “it shouldn’t be like this” or “I never thought it would be me” or “i can’t believe I’m struggling with this”) will just cause a huge battle inside you. You are FIGHTING AGAINST REALITY. You will lose.
Do you hate how much you weigh? Acceptance of how much you weigh and where you are at and how you got there (dare I say compassion for yourself... but that's another topic), and gives you a chance to choose to do things differently. Resistance will have you doing interesting things like wearing clothes that are too small because you are in denial of what size you are (been there!) or hating yourself and feeling super crappy about it and then eating more and hating yourself more because you should know better and it’s hopeless, blah blah blah. Heard that voice before.
If I refuse to accept that my son has autism and his mind works differently than mine, I will create a life where every situation is so unrealistic, he can only fail. If I accept where he is at, what he can do, then I can begin to build bridges and structures around his life that will help him succeed.
If I resist reality, I lose.
If I accept reality, I have a chance.
For so long, accepting reality, really felt like settling, like letting go of my ideals. Funny thing is, while I was resisting reality, I wasn’t even close to living my ideals, but i was JUDGING MYSELF like crazy by my ideals, AND JUDGING EVERYONE ELSE by those same ideals….
I don’t know where I got my ideas growing up, but so many of them are so counter productive and hurtful!
So. Reality. Even if it is painful. Accept it. Start there. Doesn’t mean you will stay there. Just accept that it’s reality. You are probably not a list of all your ideals right now. I don’t know if anyone is. BUT if you resist reality, you will be STUCK there. Running. Hiding. Incapable of change. Accept it, and there’s hope.
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