heidigkarlsson

A smile is no big deal. Or is it? My kids are much friendlier than I am. They often call out "hello so and so" to people that we don't know super well.  And I get so embarrassed for them, because so often the people look up a little startled and stutter or mutter something and keep going. But I learn from them too. I think back to when I was a kid. I was a little hero worshiper but I was so shy. So adults or teenagers would smile at me and say hi. I'd glare at them, then go home and write in my journal, "so and so said hi to me! Oh I love them. I want to be like them when I grow up!' But in public? Poker face.  It really mattered though.  When people smiled at me, I could actually feel shocks in my heart and I heard messages like, "oh wow. I must be valuable for them to notice me. Oh my. I had no idea..SHOOT! DON'T SMILE BACK! DON'T LET IT SHOW HOW HAPPY THIS IS MAKING YOU DOOOOOON'T" I'm not sure all what wa...

Sunday morning with the kids. Some song is playing and the guy keeps saying "Nothing else, all I want is you.." And I can't handle it.  Everyone brings their own personality and understanding to every song they hear, every book they read, every thing... we bring ourselves to it.  And when  Heidi Karlsson  listens to that song... I'm sad.  When I was younger I heard stuff like that I WENT EXTREME and I quit basketball. I quit caring about the world. I quit caring about my interests. I quit. And I tried to think about God only. I set a timer on my watch every 3 minutes to chime to check and see if I was still thinking about God. I fasted. I prayed. I sang. I stayed up late to pray, I woke up early to pray, I set my alarm for 3 am to pray because that was painful and apparently sacrifice got attention.. whatever. I was all in for NOTHING ELSE.  It's crazy-making.  So this morning I stopped the song. The "NOTHING ELSE" song. And we talked ab...

I think maybe... that you purchase your own freedom with vulnerability.  I don't mean purchase though. But it seems like it IS some kind of exchange.  Like sometimes we just want freedom but aren't willing to risk vulnerability.  I think vulnerability is being OURSELVES.  I listened to a talk today by Iyanla Vazant. No idea who she is. She was on a podcast. But she learned how to be herself. If you listen to her talk, she is totally unique and hilarious. She laughs at herself.  I think she's also easy to make fun of - if you want to be stuck up and opinionated and sophisticated... if she's not your kind of people. But something tells me she doesn't care.  One thing she said that resonated with me (among many things) - was "what you THINK matters!"  Then she said something like, "if you ain't winning the argument INSIDE your head, why you think you gonna win ANYTHING out there in the great big world." Ok. If you listen you...

What do you have? About 20 years ago I got pulled in to my professor's office. He had a paper of mine and he needed to talk to me about it.  I was working on a degree in Literature. I picked classes based on how they fit in to my basketball practice schedule. I was a commuter - so not many students on campus knew who I was. I didn't talk in class. There was definitely a "cool group" in the English department and I wasn't part of it.  I was pretty excited about the paper though, because I thought I'd done a good job. I liked to think things through pretty thoroughly and I'd come to some pretty good conclusions and presented some solid ideas in the paper.  So when the prof asked to see me, I was curious. His first words were, "When I read your paper, I thought it was plagiarized."  Drop. There goes my heart.  But he continued really fast. "BUT . . . I checked around with your other professors and they all say you are capable of th...

One of my kids always says to me, "what do you mean?" after I say something simple like, "the store is closed so we'll have to go later." And child says, "what do you mean we'll have to go later?" OR I say "There aren't enough cookies for everyone to have one, so let's leave them for now"... Child says "what do you mean let's leave them for now?" And I want to pull out my hair.  But do you know what, we do the same thing.  Jesus says some little things in the Bible. Like...  "Do not worry." And we are like, "what do you mean don't worry? Do you mean like about big things or just little things? Like I should worry about my kids but not about the planet... or..."  And another simple one: "Don't be afraid." And we're like, "What do you mean don't fear. I'm a mom. I have to be afraid otherwise I wouldn't do a good job. I'm just protecting m...

Do you ever find yourself in the middle of one of those days where you just wish it was time to get the kids to bed and you finally get some TIME TO YOURSELF?!!?? I was having one of those days today. My thoughts were so negative: Man the kids are annoying me. Holy cow, if one more kid is ungrateful I'm going to... I'm not their slave. Those kids are driving me nuts. Where did they come from anyway? Blah blah blah. On it went.  I was seething.  But I'm also doing this feeling thing (emotional health) and this thinking thing (mental health).  So I'm all huffed and puffed up about the kids and how my life is hard and I never expected it to be like this, and if anyone knew what they were signing up for they would never do it. It's not fair. I'm tired. When will it be about me.  And I stopped.  And said to myself, "Seriously? THIS is going to be how you spend your life? YOU SPENT YOUR WHOLE LIFE WANTING TO BE A MOM... and NOW YOU ARE HATING THE D...