WHAT PAIN DOES

Thinking some more about pain because I think we are all in pain on some level. 

If I wake up with the thought, “I can’t do this” OR “this is too much for me” it’s a pretty bad set up. The TRUTH might be that you are not going to handle everything easily or perfectly. 

In my case, a couple of years ago, waking up meant I was going to have to deal with screaming, safety issues between kids, lots of fighting and all day would be spent problem solving - how to create a peaceful situation in my family when chaos ruled the inside of my son’s mind. 

I don’t think there was any win/win there. 

But when I woke up thinking, “I wish I didn’t have to live today” or “I can’t do this” - my energy and hope and capacity to deal with the day was already diminished. I usually woke up to someone screaming. That was enough to trigger a lot of negative thoughts. 

But what if I changed my thoughts? What if I chose to think, “I don’t need to control this situation” OR “I will be calm” OR “My goal today is to keep breathing no matter what” . . . it creates a shift. 

I think our capacity to deal with hard things can grow - if we are adapting learning on the inside. If I only chose to think, “it’s not fair” or “why me”, I will stay in the cycle of angry and impossibility and I will become more hopeless and probably bitter. Things will not improve for someone with that belief. 

My pain forced me to sort out my theology. Is God good? Did He cause this? Where is he now? What can I pray about this? What’s the point of this? What did I do to cause this? 

I have a bunch of beliefs that I’m not sure about. But there are a few I hold on to very fiercely. 

God is GOOD and ONLY good. He doesn’t CAUSE suffering. He doesn’t give diseases or pain to teach us and if what I’m experiencing on earth isn’t something that is happening in heaven, I can pray for it to go away. 

I think where I broke down is I would pray for strength and peace. I wanted a magic wand to hit me over the head - bibitty, bobby, BOOM! Peace. Strength. 

But what I think has to happen, is I have to grow my strength and grow my peace - I have to actively give them a chance to exist inside my mind, inside my heart- I have to experiment with feeling them and thinking them even though nothing has changed and it seems crazy- keep those ideas, peace and strength, in front of me and choose them. I think they grow when you practice them. 

It's can be very hopeful, but there is some foolishness that will probably be felt on the way. Like the day I realized worry was not equal to being responsible. 

It feels weird to replace the thought "this isn't fair, I want to die" with the thought "I'm going to breathe all day and that will be my success."

It's strange to exchange "I don't know what I'm doing I'm ruining these kids lives" with "I love them. I'm here" and leaving the judgment out. I had to let guilt go. 

But it's so worth it.